It’s very hard for me to go into Michelle’s room. It is so full of memories. Her bed is exactly like she got out of it on August 1. Her PJs are right in the same spot she always put them when she got dressed for the day. It’s hard to go in. She has opened journals on her desk. Early on, I hungered to read what she had written. When I started, I quickly put the journal back where she had it, and left the room. I couldn’t. I saw that was she was writing was deep and meaningful…..and of course, some of the entries, unfinished. And I wasn’t ready for anything deep and meaningful that particular day. My grief was raw. I wanted HER, not her journal of her innermost thoughts and ideas. Nothing about those 2 things have changed either. My grief is still raw and I still want her back. Just like her room remains unchanged. ‘Cept for the funeral vases are stored in there, and odds-n-ends from the funeral home. My goal is to get her room back to her room. But I haven’t been able to remove any of that stuff that doesn’t belong. Funeral items don’t belong in Michelle’s bedroom.
Today, I went in. I wanted to put something on one of her bookshelves. As I did so, admittedly I tried to go in and go out and not let my eyes wander. But inevitably they did. On the shelf below where I was heading, I found a round tin. It was decorated and decoupaged. I’m wondering if this was an Art Quest project. It surprised me because I had not seen it before. I hadn’t seen it when she was alive, and I never noticed it in the early days after she died when I did go into her room.
Not hesitant, I grabbed it. I longed for it. I could tell there was something inside. A connection to her. It took a minute to open it because the decoupage had tightened the lid. In it, I found cards, notes, photos, and momentos. All stuff she had saved, treasured, all things that obviously meant something to her and she chose to keep them in a special place. Slowly, I looked at the top 2. One from Aunt Julie and one from WaWa. I couldn’t look any further. It’s jam packed with goodness. I do know that. One day I will look. One day. As I put it back onto her shelf, I said out loud, “Michelle, there’s so many things I want to ask you about.”….Oh how I wish.