…since we’ve seen her face.

This morning I said to Keith, “It’s been awhile since we’ve seen her face.” I found myself staring out my office window into the dark of the morning. That’s not uncommon. I do that into the late morning, early afternoon, etc. Just stare. I stare when I don’t know what else to do. I’m overwhelmed with tasks that should be done, need to be done. And some times I just don’t know what to even start with. So I find myself staring and thinking about my sweet, sweet girl.

Keith agreed, “Yes, it has been awhile.” He can tell you the exact number of days it has been. When we were at the Biltmore Estate in December, we were eating our lunch, and with tears in his eyes, he leaned over and whispered to me that it had been 143 days that particular day. 143. 143. 143. That is Keith’s and my number code for as long as I can remember. And now, too, it’s the plot number where Michelle rests for eternity. It seemed fitting to pick that for her. The very first one we were shown. And yet it’s the farthest thing from ‘fitting’ of anything in our life. There’s nothing ‘fitting’ about laying your daughter to rest.  But when it’s in plot 143,  you find that it IS fitting and yet it brings a sign of comfort. Because that’s all we have anymore. Is any little bitty thing that will bring us some sort of comfort. And we hang on to that. For a long time.

I go by months. It just seems easier for my brain. Because I can’t focus too much these days. So for me it’s been about 6 and a half months since we’ve seen her. Seen her face. Her sweet, beautiful face. Her Uncle Si said since she was a baby, “She smiles with her eyes.” Her Poppy said since she was a baby, “That girl’s got an angel inside of her.”
And then as I stare some more I’m reminded of the Bruno Mars song and the lyrics pop into my head.
When I see your face
There’s not a thing that I would change ’cause you’re amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile
The whole world stops and stares for a while
‘Cause girl you’re amazing
Just the way you are

Yes, it’s been awhile since we’ve seen your face. I’d give anything to be able to stop and stare at you for awhile. ‘Cause Michelle, you’re amazing. You’re my girl, Michelle. Forever and Always.

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